From left to right: Mr. Wiggles, Flame McBadass and his dragon ‘Drogan’, Biff Badclaw The Don’t Care Bear, and Ethelbert the Drunken Monk.

Last week my friend Mark Bowen invented a game. And though it was played with numerous dice on a gridded board, though we had character sheets and stat bars, and a points system with which to assign ourselves different traits and skills, this was no ordinary RPG. In the first area we fought wild hippies from whom we gathered nourishing marijuana, before fight Gary Motherfucking Oak in their grow-house. I defeated an enormous half-wolf, half-aging-latina by throwing ectoplasmic faeces at her. One of our number was a Rock Star Bear, by which I do not mean a large, hairy homosexual, but an actual bear.. The final boss we fought before we adjourned was the Octomom who attack us by shooting feral foetuses from her cephalopod vagina, one of which I ate to gain nourishment. Never before have I advised anyone to “smoke that shit now – we can smoke out the foetuses and get the dragon shoot fire up that bitch’s snatch”. I have a feeling that it may not be the strangest piece of combat advice to be issued playing this game.

We completely made up the combat rules, attacks, abilities et al. on the fly, which led to a very amusing, improvisational style of play. It may well have been the most fun RPG I’ve ever played. Where else can you have a party line-up consisting of the race/class combos of Ghost Lab-Chimp, Dragon-Riding Stoner, Rock Star Bear, and Alcoholic Monk? In case you’re interested, I was the phantom primate.